Ode to Dieting

At New Year's many people made resolutions to lose weight. I was not one of them. It's not that I couldn't stand to lose a pound or two (or 50) but the first three letters of diet are die. For those of you who have kept your resolution so far, my hats off to you. For everyone else I offer to you "Ode to Diet". This was a song on an album I had as a teenager, but I can no longer remember the name. I did some creative editing to remove the dirty words, as to keep my blog PG max.



Breakfast, black coffee, one slice of dry toast,
no butter, no jelly no jam.
Lunch, just some lettuce, a few celery stalks,
no submarine sandwich with ham.
Dinner, one chicken wing, broiled not fried,
no gravy, no biscuits, no pie.
And this diet and diet and diet and diet, it sure is a rough way to die.



So pass me a carrot stick, peel me a prune,
one glass of skim milk and that's all.
Turn off the TV for the Big Mac commercial
is driving me straight up the wall.
I'm thinking of french fries, sausage and waffles,
spaghetti and cookies and cake.
And each night I'm dreamin'
of chocolate ice creamin'.
I'm starving to death when I wake.

All for your sake.



Well, you're fixing the kids all those creamed mashed potatoes,
but it's bullion and water for me.
And you've got a lock on the refrigerator,
Lord knows where you're hiding the key.
And while I am starving for food late at night,
I'm starving for loving from you,
But you say that when I can see my own feet,
that you'll be glad to look at me too.



So, supper two pieces of cauliflower,
a beef stick the size of a nail.
A wedge of tomato, a small glass of water,
I swear I'd eat better in jail.
Stop eating that pizza right under my nose,
dear that's the least you can do,
And put down that candy bar while I am speaking,
I'm starving to death just for you.



And when I am dead, with the insurance paid,
You'll look down at me and you'll grin.
And you'll say"Well dear you tried, and you starved and you died,
But don't you look good when you're thin."