Sunday, November 29, 2009
Here are my favorites:
Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Gargoyle (n.) olive flavored mouthwash
Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp
Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
The Washington Post's Style invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Again, here are my favorites:
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows no sign of breaking down in the near future.
Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.
Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you are eating.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Here's another one on a quilt that My wife & daughter made this week:
Here's a pic of Lord Lemon assisting Zesty while he holds his baby sister:
While she's been hanging with the gang down south, I've had to hold the fort and keep an eye on the grand kids here. "The Ogre" worked 12 hour shifts both Monday & Tuesday, so I had to pick up "The Boy" from school and "The Girl" from daycare. "The Ogre" instructed me to head straight to her house and wait there for "The Woodsman" to get home from work. This worked well. In the familiar surroundings, "The Girl" took a bottle and napped until her daddy got home (meaning I didn't have to change any diapers ).
Tuesday after "The Woodsman" got home, I raced home and shaved, hopped through a quick shower and raced off to church. Our church changes mid-week service days for Thanksgiving week so the ladies could have Wednesday for cooking.
Today after work, I didn't have grand kids, but I had to pick up my MIL's laundry after stopping at the bank. Once I got it, I made a small grocery trip. Even though the lot was full, I got through the lines rather quickly. All of Mil's laundry is done and I'm about ready to turn in.
The problem with that is that half of me (my better half) isn't here. I've been staying up later so I won't toss & turn with only Sparky the wonder dragon to keep me company. My wife is coming home tomorrow so I will be very thankful on Thanksgiving.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: How many University of Michigan students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.
Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
Little Johnny runs up to his mother ...and says, "Mommy, mommy! I want to be a Michigan Wolverine when I grow up!"Mom answers, "Now Johnny, you know you can't do both."
One day in an elementary school in Ann Arbor Michigan, a teacher asks her class if the Michigan Wolverines are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes except for Little Jimmy.
The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"
Little Jimmy says, "The Ohio State Buckeyes."
The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"
Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Buckeyes fan, my mom is a Buckeyes fan, so I guess that makes me a Buckeyes fan."
The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"
Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Michigan fan."
Coach Rich Rodriguez is only dressing 10 players for the Michigan game against Ohio State. The rest of the team will get dressed by themselves.
Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach, Rich Rodriguez, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
Do you have any good (and clean ) Michigan jokes?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Greeting one and all. In today's post I will discuss an affliction that strikes many a teenage boy. It is called motormania. The main symptom is the insatiable urge to operate anything motorized.
My brother, Sir Gattabout, was severely afflicted. He started with the riding lawnmower. Then, after he got his driver's licence, the family car. Once he saved enough from his work after school he made the plunge into vehicle ownership. He bought a motorcycle.
Mom wasn't real happy about this. "You'll get hurt." was one of her favorite arguments against his ownership. "Gattabout would reply that her dad owned and drove a motorcycle up until the day that he died of a heart attack on the way to bingo. Finally, she relented and he was off on adventures one could only imagine.
He owned a blue Kawasaki with a matching blue helmet. Shortly after he acquired the motorcycle, the law was changed and helmet wearing was made optional. He told mom that he would still wear his helmet. He lied, too. Once he was beyond her sight, the helmet came off, and the wind blew through his long red hair (this was the 70's).
I would like to say that he was always safe and law-abiding while riding, but I can't. He would come home and ask me, "I'll bet you can't guess how fast I took my motorcycle tonight." Not only did he ride it on the freeway to work, he also rode it to Westerville to Grandma's house. It was at Grandma's where tragedy befell him.
He was across the street in a field owned by the Catholic school that was up the street from Grandma's. He had several of his Westerville buddies with him, and he was showing off on his motorcycle for them. While he was trying to pop and ride a wheelie, the bike flipped and landed on him, breaking his arm.
He was taken to the hospital, and the doctor set his arm and put a cast on it. The doctor told him that he wouldn't be able to ride his motorcycle for at least six weeks, due to the position and severity of the break. Dad put his Motorcycle in Grandma's garage until Gattabout could ride again. I don't think mom or dad ever got the real story on how he wrecked and broke his arm. Mom simply looked at him and said "I told you that you would hurt yourself".
He owned that motorcycle several years, and sold it after he was in the military for awhile (which is a whole different set of stories which will come at a later time).
I've never owned a motorcycle. Have you?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
A while back I was at Jo-Mongous Fabric With Lady Nottaguy-TYG. She was buying fabric for a dress she was making, so I wandered the store to look at all the non-fabric offerings. I wound up at the books (Imagine that!) In the books, I found a book that was most delightful. It is published by Klutz Press (And who doesn't LOVE Klutz Press offerings?). It was called The Encyclopedia of Immaturity.
It is the complete guide on how to never grow up. In the introduction, it states "The information in this volume was gathered over the course of a misspent and lifelong childhood. The sources were extremely diverse and, given the long time frame, many will have to remain nameless. In most cases they would probably insist on it anyway".
This volume contains things you did when you were a kid, and things you would have done if you had thought of them. Here are some of the offerings:
How to make noises under your arm. Hanging a spoon from your nose. How to make an air puff annoyer. Backseat rituals. Homework excuses. The wolds finest paper airplane. How to make a soda gusher. Squeeze bottle thrill machine. The paper cup honk machine. Smash a grape through you head. Marshmallow death matches. Trash talking like Shakespeare. There are about 300 others also.
The price at Jo-Mongous was in excess of $20 for the hardback edition. As much as I liked the book, I couldn't do it. However, "The Boy" recently had a book fair at his school, and guess what I found there in the paperback edition for $12. He wanted me to buy it for him. I told him that I was buying it for me, but he could read it. He got to purchase other books that he picked out.
And read it he did. I should have recorded the cackling and belly-laughing that he did while reading the book. There were time he had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom. He didn't just skim over it, he devoured it, every page.
To show how much he retained, one Sunday, a few weeks ago, we went with "The Ogre" & her kids to Columbus after church. After we ate lunch, we went to Polaris shopping mall. My wife was taking "The Ogre" and "The Girl" to find some good shoes for learning to walk. (only "The Girl got the shoes). "The Boy" & I asked to be dropped at a large bookstore on the other side of the mall. There was an impatient driver behind us who didn't take kindly to someone taking 30 seconds to let someone out. "The Boy" turned and said something to the driver that was unheard by him, and Not fully heard by my wife & daughter. I knew what he said, and nearly doubled over in laughter. When they picked us up, they wanted to know what was said. My eight year grandson had said "Thou art a dankish, idle footlicker. Shakespeare would have been proud.