Sunday, November 29, 2009

What's that word again?

The Washington Post has submitted it's winning submissions to it's yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

Here are my favorites:

Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Gargoyle (n.) olive flavored mouthwash

Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.

Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp

Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

The Washington Post's Style invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Again, here are my favorites:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows no sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.

Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you are eating.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Flashback Friday #63

Black Friday Edition

A cheery "hi" to all. If you are reading this, you have either finished your Black Friday shopping, or like my wife, refuse to go out into the madness. I'm just nuts, what else can I say.

In today's post, I will relate to you some of the mishaps that occurred with me while shopping when I was young. These are things you DON'T want you child to do to you on Black Friday, or any other day.

Once while shopping with Mom, I split away from her, and told her that I would be in the toy department. I didn't realize that we weren't planning on spending the day at the store. On the way to the toys, something distracted me (a TV in electronics or something. I'm still easily distracted, just ask my wife.) What ever it was had me mesmerized. I never made it to toys. My Mom came up behind me, grabbed my arm and said "I've been looking everywhere for you." I wasn't allowed to wander off for a while.

Another time, I did make it to the toy department. Mom had finished her shopping, and came to get me. She looked down each aisle to no avail. What she didn't know, was that I was indeed in the toy department, but I was looking at something on one of the end caps, and you couldn't see me just by looking down the aisle. When I finished, I moved on, only to have Mom pounce upon me again with the "I've looked everywhere for you". I tried to explain to her that I was in the toys all along, but she wouldn't have any of it, seeing that she had looked down all the aisles.

The last story deals with buying something sight unseen. We were looking for a new pair of gym shoes for me in elementary school. Mom spotted a couple boxes up top of the shelf and stretched up to get them. Both were my size. She asked if I wanted blue or black. Blue was my favorite color, so I picked the blue. I never saw them, just the outside of the box. When I got home, I was horrified. They were light blue GIRLS shoes. Guys canvas tennis shoes always had the rubber that covered the toes, girls shoes didn't. I had to wear them because mom wasn't driving all the way back to Westerville. I painted bats with black fabric paint on them to make them more manly. It didn't work, I still got teased about them. Whenever we picked out any more shoes, I had to see and approve of them.

Here's hoping your Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping were super.

Did you ever do anything at the store that caused your parents consternation?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

"Baching" it

That is bach as in "bachelor", not Bach as in the composer. Lady Nottaguy-TYG left Saturday afternoon to lend a hand at Lady Lemon's house. She's been hanging out with our new grand baby and the rest of Lady Lemon's clan. Here's a picture of "Pinky" (Lady Lemon has determined that "Sprite" was a boy name, hence "Pinky") that I was sent recently:

Here's another one on a quilt that My wife & daughter made this week:
Here's a pic of Lord Lemon assisting Zesty while he holds his baby sister:
While she's been hanging with the gang down south, I've had to hold the fort and keep an eye on the grand kids here. "The Ogre" worked 12 hour shifts both Monday & Tuesday, so I had to pick up "The Boy" from school and "The Girl" from daycare. "The Ogre" instructed me to head straight to her house and wait there for "The Woodsman" to get home from work. This worked well. In the familiar surroundings, "The Girl" took a bottle and napped until her daddy got home (meaning I didn't have to change any diapers ).

Tuesday after "The Woodsman" got home, I raced home and shaved, hopped through a quick shower and raced off to church. Our church changes mid-week service days for Thanksgiving week so the ladies could have Wednesday for cooking.

Today after work, I didn't have grand kids, but I had to pick up my MIL's laundry after stopping at the bank. Once I got it, I made a small grocery trip. Even though the lot was full, I got through the lines rather quickly. All of Mil's laundry is done and I'm about ready to turn in.

The problem with that is that half of me (my better half) isn't here. I've been staying up later so I won't toss & turn with only Sparky the wonder dragon to keep me company. My wife is coming home tomorrow so I will be very thankful on Thanksgiving.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Hail To The Victor...

Is a song that the Michigan marching band cannot play unless they are serenading the Ohio State Buckeyes.

Go Bucks!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Flashback Friday #62


Greeting my friends and welcome back for another glance to the past. I was going to write this post last week, but since it was Friday the 13th, I decided to wait a week, because it is bad luck to write about superstitions on a Friday the 13th (or so I've heard).

My Mom was (and still is) very superstitious. Her family has roots in the Pennsylvania Dutch, and many of the sayings and beliefs she has have been passed down to her. She explained the reasoning to some of them, other I still wonder about. Here are some of them:

If you find a penny on the ground, check if it's heads. If it is heads, it's lucky. If it's tails, you must either give it away, or put it in your left shoe for the day. I tried the shoe thing once. After that, I always gave them away because I hate having something in my shoe other than my foot.

If you give someone a purse or a wallet for a gift, always put some money in it first (even if it only a penny). Money will never stick to an empty wallet or purse.

See a pin and pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck.
See a pin and leave it lay, bad luck for you the rest of the day.

If a bird flies into the house, someone you know will die shortly.

If you drop a knife on the floor, look at the direction it is pointing. You will have company from that direction soon.

Don't open an umbrella in the house.

Breaking a mirror is seven years bad luck, unless you gather all the pieces and bury them at night.

If a pregnant lady sees a disfigured or broken doll or figurine, it may cause a birth defect in their unborn child. (Real story- I was getting some stuff out of our attic and handing it down to Mom. In the box, was a barbie-type doll that had been in a cake. it fell out of the box and Mom let out a gasp, and said "It's a good thing I'm not pregnant". A mouse had chewed on the face of the doll.)

Horoscopes are real. Pay close attention to them.

Everyone had to pat the head of her stuffed animal before she goes to bingo for good luck.

If two people are walking together, and an immovable object comes between them, one person must either retrace his/her steps and go the same way as the other person OR one person must say something that goes together (like "bread & butter"). That way nothing will come between you.

Don't drink milk while having fish for dinner. The milk will sour in your stomach.

She could never get into the Christmas mood until she first saw Santa in person.

How about you, are the any superstitious or old wives tales that you believe?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

U of M jokes

Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: How many University of Michigan students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother ...and says, "Mommy, mommy! I want to be a Michigan Wolverine when I grow up!"Mom answers, "Now Johnny, you know you can't do both."

One day in an elementary school in Ann Arbor Michigan, a teacher asks her class if the Michigan Wolverines are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes except for Little Jimmy.
The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"
Little Jimmy says, "The Ohio State Buckeyes."
The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"
Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Buckeyes fan, my mom is a Buckeyes fan, so I guess that makes me a Buckeyes fan."
The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"
Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Michigan fan."

Coach Rich Rodriguez is only dressing 10 players for the Michigan game against Ohio State. The rest of the team will get dressed by themselves.

Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach, Rich Rodriguez, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Do you have any good (and clean ) Michigan jokes?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Official Start to OSU-Michigan Week

Yesterday everyone was still abuzz with talk about the OSU overtime win against Iowa. Today, that is past. Let the OSU-UM rivalry chatter begin. Last week everything came up Roses (as in Pasadena) for the Buckeyes. I can't think of a better ending of the regular season than a win over the boys up north this Saturday.
On a somewhat related note, the dreadful Cleveland Browns will be playing the equally dreadful Detroit Lions on Sunday. I heard a guy on the radio say that it would be the first ever televised game between the OSU-UM junior varsity.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Flashback Friday #61

Gattabout's Motorcycle

Greeting one and all. In today's post I will discuss an affliction that strikes many a teenage boy. It is called motormania. The main symptom is the insatiable urge to operate anything motorized.

My brother, Sir Gattabout, was severely afflicted. He started with the riding lawnmower. Then, after he got his driver's licence, the family car. Once he saved enough from his work after school he made the plunge into vehicle ownership. He bought a motorcycle.

Mom wasn't real happy about this. "You'll get hurt." was one of her favorite arguments against his ownership. "Gattabout would reply that her dad owned and drove a motorcycle up until the day that he died of a heart attack on the way to bingo. Finally, she relented and he was off on adventures one could only imagine.

He owned a blue Kawasaki with a matching blue helmet. Shortly after he acquired the motorcycle, the law was changed and helmet wearing was made optional. He told mom that he would still wear his helmet. He lied, too. Once he was beyond her sight, the helmet came off, and the wind blew through his long red hair (this was the 70's).

I would like to say that he was always safe and law-abiding while riding, but I can't. He would come home and ask me, "I'll bet you can't guess how fast I took my motorcycle tonight." Not only did he ride it on the freeway to work, he also rode it to Westerville to Grandma's house. It was at Grandma's where tragedy befell him.

He was across the street in a field owned by the Catholic school that was up the street from Grandma's. He had several of his Westerville buddies with him, and he was showing off on his motorcycle for them. While he was trying to pop and ride a wheelie, the bike flipped and landed on him, breaking his arm.

He was taken to the hospital, and the doctor set his arm and put a cast on it. The doctor told him that he wouldn't be able to ride his motorcycle for at least six weeks, due to the position and severity of the break. Dad put his Motorcycle in Grandma's garage until Gattabout could ride again. I don't think mom or dad ever got the real story on how he wrecked and broke his arm. Mom simply looked at him and said "I told you that you would hurt yourself".

He owned that motorcycle several years, and sold it after he was in the military for awhile (which is a whole different set of stories which will come at a later time).

I've never owned a motorcycle. Have you?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Introducing the newest member of the clan: Sprite

Lady Lemon showed off her superpowers today by bringing a new life into the world (what superpowers do you have?). Our newest granddaughter was born today at 2:48 pm. She was 7 lb. 11 oz and 20 in. long. I can't wait to see her

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Book Review: The Encyclopedia of Immaturity

Just because I turned another year older last Sunday, doesn't mean that I am one step closer to being a fuddy-duddy. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. (Sing with me "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys-R-Us kid")

A while back I was at Jo-Mongous Fabric With Lady Nottaguy-TYG. She was buying fabric for a dress she was making, so I wandered the store to look at all the non-fabric offerings. I wound up at the books (Imagine that!) In the books, I found a book that was most delightful. It is published by Klutz Press (And who doesn't LOVE Klutz Press offerings?). It was called The Encyclopedia of Immaturity.

It is the complete guide on how to never grow up. In the introduction, it states "The information in this volume was gathered over the course of a misspent and lifelong childhood. The sources were extremely diverse and, given the long time frame, many will have to remain nameless. In most cases they would probably insist on it anyway".

This volume contains things you did when you were a kid, and things you would have done if you had thought of them. Here are some of the offerings:

How to make noises under your arm. Hanging a spoon from your nose. How to make an air puff annoyer. Backseat rituals. Homework excuses. The wolds finest paper airplane. How to make a soda gusher. Squeeze bottle thrill machine. The paper cup honk machine. Smash a grape through you head. Marshmallow death matches. Trash talking like Shakespeare. There are about 300 others also.

The price at Jo-Mongous was in excess of $20 for the hardback edition. As much as I liked the book, I couldn't do it. However, "The Boy" recently had a book fair at his school, and guess what I found there in the paperback edition for $12. He wanted me to buy it for him. I told him that I was buying it for me, but he could read it. He got to purchase other books that he picked out.

And read it he did. I should have recorded the cackling and belly-laughing that he did while reading the book. There were time he had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom. He didn't just skim over it, he devoured it, every page.

To show how much he retained, one Sunday, a few weeks ago, we went with "The Ogre" & her kids to Columbus after church. After we ate lunch, we went to Polaris shopping mall. My wife was taking "The Ogre" and "The Girl" to find some good shoes for learning to walk. (only "The Girl got the shoes). "The Boy" & I asked to be dropped at a large bookstore on the other side of the mall. There was an impatient driver behind us who didn't take kindly to someone taking 30 seconds to let someone out. "The Boy" turned and said something to the driver that was unheard by him, and Not fully heard by my wife & daughter. I knew what he said, and nearly doubled over in laughter. When they picked us up, they wanted to know what was said. My eight year grandson had said "Thou art a dankish, idle footlicker. Shakespeare would have been proud.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Flashback Friday #60

Munchkin Socks

Greetings all, It's good to be back with all (or both) of you again. Since yesterday was Mom's birthday, she gets to be the focal point of today's Flashback Friday.

She has always had a love for little ankle socks. I'm not talking about the footie style that has no sock to it. Buster Brown makes these. All they lack are the ruffles and/or bows and they would look like frilly little girl socks. The ones that she bought looked like child socks when they came out of the dryer. That's how they got the nickname around our house as"Munchkin Socks".

Mom wore these to work every day, and when she would get home, she would slip her feet out of her shoes, and dangle her shoes on her toes as she watched TV. We played a game. Sometimes I would spring from the couch (where I was generally laying on my back) and snatch one of her shoes. She would try to snatch me before I made it into the kitchen and claim victory.

One day her shoe was dangling, and I had my eye on it. In a flash, I scooped up her shoe and made a dash for the kitchen. She was expecting it, and very nearly grabbed hold of me before I even had her shoe. I made it to the kitchen, and exclaimed "I got your shoe". She then said "That's OK, I've got munchkin socks". The only problem was that when she said it, she was talking really fast, and I heard "That's OK, I've got my chicken socks".

I looked at her with puzzlement in my eyes, and asked, "Chicken Socks? How did you get chicken socks?" "Chicken Socks?" she questioned back. "Who said anything about chicken socks?" With that we both broke out into a fit of laughter that left us holding each other up and crying. From that time on, she wore chicken socks.

Needless to say we were quite amazed when we saw this a few years ago:

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my Mother's birthday. There are three of us that have birthdays within two weeks of each other. Gattaout on Oct. 26, Me on Nov. 1 and Mom on Nov. 5. She turned XX this year. (No, that's not Roman numerals, it's a nice way to say a lady's age, since the two things you never ask a lady are is "How old are you? and "How much do you weigh?")
That's Zesty, Mrs. Lemon's son, that she is holding in the picture.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Daylight Savings Wasn't Very Nice To Me

As I went to bed last night, I set the clocks back. This morning when I woke up, even though I had set the clocks back an hour, I was a year older. Made me think of Rip Van Winkle.