Huh?

The other day, I overheard a co-worker discussing a MMA fighter. "I can't think of his name, but it begins with a "W" at the end." Ooooh Kaay!

How's That Again?

Here's a couple of funnies that I've heard in the last couple of days:

On Saturday, Sir Gattabout was over showing us a website set up for a cousin that had a double lung transplant. He was going to come over sooner but we weren't at home. When he asked where we were, Lady Nottaguy-TYG told him that we were at a marriage retreat. "Marriage retreat?", he asked. "Is that where you get married and back out of it?" (this comes from someone married twice & with military background)

Tonight, "The Boy" informed us that he knows how to dunk cookies without getting any crumbs in his milk. "I dip them in Mom's milk when she's not looking". Do you know how hard is is to drive when you ROFL?

Hot Enough For You?

Like so many other places here in the good ol' USA, It is hot here. In my factory, it is generally 10 dergees hotter inside than the outside temperature. At our other plant is is closer to 15-20 degrees.

When it is this hot, we generally get an extra 5 minutes added to our breaks. The other day, we asked if we were getting the extra 5 and were told that we only get it, if it is 95 or higher. The question was asked, "Is that 95 outside or 95 inside?" There was no response given.

Oh, What You'll Hear In Sunday School

Today's lesson dealt with the marriage of Isaac & Rebekah. In the lead up to the lesson, we discussed "What do you think of when you hear the word marriage"? The kids brainstormed and we wrote several things on the board. I then told them that I had been in seven weddings. I then told them that in two of the weddings, that I had given the bride away. I asked the class if they knew why I did that. One boy raised his hand and ventured the guess "Because you didn't like them"? LOL right there in class.

Prior to class, we told one of the girls that there was going to be a wedding in the class today. She asked if everyone in class was getting married. "No" replied my assistant teacher (who is female, and NOT my wife), "(My real name) and I aren't, because we are already married." No you're not.' replied the girl. "Yes we are married" She replied. "If you're married:, the girl exclaimed, why are your last names different". My teacher explained that we weren't married to each other, but were were still both married. Another LOL.

Forbidden Conversation

We were leaving one of our favorite restaurants/ice cream places last night when a sign near the door caught the attention of "The Boy". It said "Take home three containers of ice cream for $10". One of the containers shown was "Forbidden Chocolate". He saw that and said "Forbidden Chocolate?" ." Yeah" I replied, "It means you're not getting any." He smiled and replied "If it's forbidden, why are they allowed to sell it?"
Guess who has my sense of humor?

Racist movie?

While at Largest-Retailer-In-The-World-Mart the other day, I overheard this conversation among some older teen-age boys:

Boy 1: (running up to his friends holding a DVD) Look at this movie! With a title like that, and white starring actors, there's no way this movie isn't racist!

Boy 2: Dude, That movie's about a boat.

Boy 1: Are you sure?

At this point, I had to move away quickly. I got several aisles down and burst into laughter. The movie was The African Queen" starring Humphrey Bogart & Kathrine Hepburn.

It's coming down ...again.

While shovelling the sidewalk from the beginnings of the 4-8 inches that the weatherman says we are going to get, my neighbor hollers over" Do you think if we all yelled "Uncle" at the same time, it would stop?"

It's worth a try.

You're leaving when?

The other day, one of my co-workers, JC, came to work for the last time. She was retiring, but didn't want anyone to know. A few people found out, and had cake awaiting her on break. One of my other co-Workers, Red, asked JC this question, and I quote: "So, How many years have you been in this h*ll hole?" "Repeat the question please." was the reply. Only it didn't come from JC, it came from #2 boss who was standing about six feet behind Red. "Um, How many years have you joyfully worked here?" was the new way Red phrased the question.

JC retired after 28 years at the factory, we don't know how much longer Red will be around.

A common affliction?

Yesterday at work, I was working in another department moving parts in & out of the department with a tow motor. As I was taking a skid of parts out, I asked female co-worker D if she needed help moving her next job into place. She said she could do it with a pallet jack. A few minutes later, while I was in another department discussing upcoming part shipments with male co-worker KQ, co-worker D came over to me and the following discussion happened:

D: Can you move that skid for me? I can't budge it.

Me: You can't budget?

KQ: I hear that a lot of women can't.

At first D didn't catch on (you could tell by the look on her face). When the light came on, she put her hands on her hips and said sarcastically "Very funny". One of these days, KQ is going to say the wrong thing to the wrong woman, and she'll clean his clock.

A Great Deal?

The day after the day after Thanksgiving, Lady Nottaguy-TYG and I were at Largest-Retailer-In-The-World-Mart. As we were heading to the checkout, we overheard this conversation between a teenage boy and his dad:

Boy: Wow, Dad. Look at that price. How can you pass that up? That's a great deal!

Dad: For that, a great deal would be free.

The Official Start to OSU-Michigan Week

Yesterday everyone was still abuzz with talk about the OSU overtime win against Iowa. Today, that is past. Let the OSU-UM rivalry chatter begin. Last week everything came up Roses (as in Pasadena) for the Buckeyes. I can't think of a better ending of the regular season than a win over the boys up north this Saturday.

On a somewhat related note, the dreadful Cleveland Browns will be playing the equally dreadful Detroit Lions on Sunday. I heard a guy on the radio say that it would be the first ever televised game between the OSU-UM junior varsity.

Book Review: The Encyclopedia of Immaturity

Just because I turned another year older last Sunday, doesn't mean that I am one step closer to being a fuddy-duddy. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. (Sing with me "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys-R-Us kid")



A while back I was at Jo-Mongous Fabric With Lady Nottaguy-TYG. She was buying fabric for a dress she was making, so I wandered the store to look at all the non-fabric offerings. I wound up at the books (Imagine that!) In the books, I found a book that was most delightful. It is published by Klutz Press (And who doesn't LOVE Klutz Press offerings?). It was called The Encyclopedia of Immaturity.

It is the complete guide on how to never grow up. In the introduction, it states "The information in this volume was gathered over the course of a misspent and lifelong childhood. The sources were extremely diverse and, given the long time frame, many will have to remain nameless. In most cases they would probably insist on it anyway".

This volume contains things you did when you were a kid, and things you would have done if you had thought of them. Here are some of the offerings:

How to make noises under your arm. Hanging a spoon from your nose. How to make an air puff annoyer. Backseat rituals. Homework excuses. The wolds finest paper airplane. How to make a soda gusher. Squeeze bottle thrill machine. The paper cup honk machine. Smash a grape through you head. Marshmallow death matches. Trash talking like Shakespeare. There are about 300 others also.

The price at Jo-Mongous was in excess of $20 for the hardback edition. As much as I liked the book, I couldn't do it. However, "The Boy" recently had a book fair at his school, and guess what I found there in the paperback edition for $12. He wanted me to buy it for him. I told him that I was buying it for me, but he could read it. He got to purchase other books that he picked out.

And read it he did. I should have recorded the cackling and belly-laughing that he did while reading the book. There were time he had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom. He didn't just skim over it, he devoured it, every page.

To show how much he retained, one Sunday, a few weeks ago, we went with "The Ogre" & her kids to Columbus after church. After we ate lunch, we went to Polaris shopping mall. My wife was taking "The Ogre" and "The Girl" to find some good shoes for learning to walk. (only "The Girl got the shoes). "The Boy" & I asked to be dropped at a large bookstore on the other side of the mall. There was an impatient driver behind us who didn't take kindly to someone taking 30 seconds to let someone out. "The Boy" turned and said something to the driver that was unheard by him, and Not fully heard by my wife & daughter. I knew what he said, and nearly doubled over in laughter. When they picked us up, they wanted to know what was said. My eight year grandson had said "Thou art a dankish, idle footlicker. Shakespeare would have been proud.

Catching up with random bits

When your computer is down for two weeks it is amazing how many things happen that you say "That would make a good blog post". Then, two weeks later when it is back up, you've forgotten most of them. Here are a few thing that happened that I did remember:



While riding home from picking up "The Boy" from school one day, we drove by something that smelled really bad (I think something had died by the road). "The Boy" turns to me and says "Boy, that smells bad. I bet the person in the car ahead of us farts a lot." Do you realize how difficult it is to drive after a comment like that?

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We spent four evenings working at the Millersport Sweetcorn Festival after putting our time in at our regular jobs. Get off work, drive an hour, work three, drive an hour home and go to bed. Wake up "refreshed" for work the next day. More on the Millersport Sweetcorn festival (complete with pics) in a later post.

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On our trip Saturday down to the festival, we stopped at McResturant to let the young 'uns with us go to the potty. While we were there we were discussing the President's health care reform package. During this discussion, I stopped for a moment to listen to a song coming over the muzak speaker. It was Fleetwood Mac's "Tell Me Lies". When I pointed the irony of this out, everyone cracked up.

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On a more serious note, I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea recently. I got my new bedtime buddy "Mr. Bipap Machine" on the Thursday of the Sweetcorn festival. It has taken some time to get used to. If nothing else, my wife is sleeping much better.

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Do you know what it's like being the commissioner of two fantasy football leagues (one at work & one at church) and not have access to your computer?

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Last Sunday, my Sunday School lesson was about Jesus sleeping in the ship while the storm raged. I really get into telling the story. By the time church was over , I could hardly talk from straining my voice during the panic scene on the boat. Later that night, the choir (of which I am a part) was to sing. I sang, rough voice and all. Make a joyful noise unto the Lord all ye earth.

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Saturday I spent the day outside. After a side trip to a nearby garage sale, I mowed the yard, trimmed weeds, sprayed roundup, and then attacked the tree out back. It was in serious need of pruning (I had to duck under some of the branches when I mowed). I took my new pole saw out and went to work. It took me two trips to the yard waste landfill to remove everything that I had cut off. After the last load, I bagged some of the free mulch until the gatekeeper informed me that he was ready to lock the gates. I came home and my wife was away at a baby shower. I vegged in front of an old movie until she came home. Needless to say, I slept pretty well that night.

The sounds that you'll hear in darkest Africa

I was discussing communication techniques with my Sunday school class of 3rd & 4th graders. We had been talking about witnessing, and I asked the kids to brainstorm how information is being passed currently, as well as in the past. They came up with an impressive list:
cell phones/texting
e-mail/ Internet
letters
walkie talkies
telephone
radio
TV
telegraph
carrier pigeons
courior/messanger
billboards
leaflets
I had two others in mind, and I gave them hints. The first was how did the indians communicate with each other in the cowboy & indian movies. They got smoke signals right away.The second hint was in the Tarzan movies, when the people and walking through the jungle, they hear this musical instrument, and stop to listen to what they are saying. (The answer is drums for those of you who may not have figured that out yet)

One little girl's hand shot up and guessed "Violins?"

I guess I'll have to go back and watch some of those old Tarzan movies again to see what I missed.

Really now, just figured that out?

A mother of a little boy was changing her sister's little girl's diaper. It was one of those nasty diapers that we have all seen, and are very frightened of. As she was wiping poo out of all the crevices she exclaimed,' Girls sure are built different than boys". The title of this post says it all.

Say What?

A lady at work was commenting about joining a women's only fitness club one day during our break. One of the men in the break room overheard her and said "Women only? Do they let guys come in to watch?" She replied coolly "It's called Curves, not pervs."

How's that again!?!?

I overheard this story at work a few years ago. It fits this time of year, and most of my blog homeys haven't heard it, so here goes.

One of my male co-workers was telling about his revellings during New Year's Eve. He said that he and his wife got totally plastered. Once they got home, they went straight to bed.

During the night, all the stuff he drank needed to come out. He said he remembers getting out of bed, opening the bathroom door, lifting the lid, relieving himself, closing the lid, shutting the bathroom door and going back to bed.

He was wakened by his wife screaming his full name at the top of her lungs. She told him to come here at once.

He found her in the kitchen. He hadn't opened the bathroom door or lifted the lid. He had opened the refrigerator door, and pulled out the crisper drawer. Everything in the drawer was submerged in yellow liquid.

He said his wife wasn't real pleased with him. Ya think so? Duh!

Out of the mouth of babes

While taking prayer requests yesterday in my Sunday school class, one of my 3rd graders had this request:
" Please pray for those people who are just plain wierd."
I think God knows exactly who she was refering to.

Overheard

All of the following conversations were either personally overheard by me, or I was part of the conversation. All are 100% true.

1) While at a large retail store, a couple (man & woman, these days you have to clarify) asked the salesman where they could find matching shirts. The salesman told them" Please follow me, there are some bi-sexual shirts over here". Really now?

2) At work we were talking about a local funeral home building a crematorium near several restaurants. A blonde female co-worker came into the conversation at the end.
Me- I think having a crematorium next to a restaurant is gross.
Blonde- What's so bad about it?
Me- You do know what a crematorium is, don't you?
Blonde- Isn't that where the make donuts?
Me- What????
Blonde- You know, cream filled donuts.
I love donuts, but I think I'll pass on those, thank you.

3) In Sunday school we were talking about going to Heaven. I told the children that when we get there we will all get a crown. Then when we see Jesus, we will take the crown off and cast it at his feet. One little boy raised his hand, and said " I don't think I want to do that". "Why not?" I asked. He replied, very seriously " I don't throw very good, and I'd be afraid that I'd hit Him in the head with it."
How do you retain your composure after a remark like that. I assured him that he would do just fine.