Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Q: What does a cannibal use for a menu?
A: The phone book.
Q:What happened to the thief who stole a calendar?
A: He got 12 months.
Q: When does a woman enjoy a man's company?
A: When she owns it.
Q: Where does satisfaction come from?
A: A satisfactory
Q: Why did the taxi driver quit his job?
A: People kept talking behind his back. (or "People kept telling him where to go")
Q: What did the policeman say to the mime?
A: "You have the right to remain silent."
Q:What do you call an unemployed jester?
A: Nobody's fool.
Q:Why was Adam the happiest man who ever lived?
A: No mother-in law.
Q: What is the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
A: He was too far out, man.
Q:Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: To get to the bottom.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a dog?
A: One wears trousers, the other one pants.
Q: How can you tell if a liberal politician is dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: What stands behind every successful man?
A: An amazed woman
Q: What's fat and drinks lots of coffee?
A: Java the Hut.
Q: What did the mobster's son tell his dad after failing the exam?
A: "They questioned me for three hours, but I didn't tell them anything."
Q:What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
A: Plenty of room.
Q: How did the critic review the new restaurant on the moon?
A: "Great food, but no atmosphere."
Q:What do you call 100 rabbits jumping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: What do you call a man who has lost 90% of his brain?
A: A widower.
Q:Why did the dolphin kill himself?
A: He had no porpoise in his life.
Q:What do you call a cow with no legs.
A: Ground beef.
Q: Why didn't the dinosaurs allow the tyrannosaurus to drive?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny.
Q: What do you do when a leper rolls his eyes at you?
A: Pick them up and roll them back.
Q: What do the letters DNA stand for?
A: National Dyslexic's Association.
Q: How long do congressmen serve?
A: Until they get caught.
Q: Why don't blind people like to skydive?
A: It scares the dog.
Q: Why don't sharks eat divorce lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: Why do they lock gas station restrooms?
A: They are afraid that someone will clean them.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: He had low elf esteem.
Q: Why can't blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the eleven.
Q: Why were ET's eyes so big?
A: He saw the phone bill.
Q: What do you get when you cross the godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What's a sure way to drive someone crazy?
A: Send them an e-mail saying "Please, please, please disregard the first e-mail."
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: The take the psycho path.
Q: What is the difference between the mafia and the government?
A: One of them is organized.
Q:What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter. It won't come anyway.
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left it.
Q: What do you call a midget psychic who escaped from jail?
A: A small medium at large.
More to come in the next post.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Welcome my friends to another edition of Flashback Friday. In today's edition I deal with something we all felt as a child. Pain. Other than getting beat up daily by Sir Gattabout and having my tonsils taken out, I didn't have a lot of physical pain as a child. That came to an end on night at the skating rink.
Going to the skating rink was a common thing for our school to do in early spring. The fifth & sixth grades were in a small building across the playground from the rest of the school, so they would go together for a skating party. We had no rink in the small town where I grew up in. The closest rink was 30 minutes away. Generally the parties were on Friday night, so we could stay out a little longer.
Now, think back to fifth grade ( you are now 10 or 11 years old). The boys and girls were not the best of friends then. There was a mutual tormenting society going on in my school. During the skating parties, whenever a girl fell down, all of the guys would holler. When a guy fell, the girls cheered.
Getting back to skating, I never really learned how to skate. My version of skating (this was before Rollerblades) consisted of using my right toe stop to push myself and coasting until I was almost at a stop. Repeat several times. My left foot was immobile. I was afraid to move both feet, for fear of falling. I hugged the wall constantly. My dad, on the other hand, used to jump barrels on roller skates. But that's another story for another time.
During the skating there were all skates (where everyone could skate), couple skate (boy & girl or two girls) trio skates (two boys & a girl, two girls & a boy or three girls) girls only and boys only. The limbo and hokey poky were also played. There was also snack bar where I hung out mostly.
During the "boys only skate" the girls began chanting "Fall, Fall, Fall" When a boy did oblige, a tremendous cheer went up. The noise level was about the same as standing behind a jet during takeoff. On my second lap around the rink, I went down, hard. A great cheer rose in the air. But when I didn't get back up, it grew very quiet. The skating refs skated over to help me up, but I couldn't put any weight on my right ankle. It hurt worse than anything my brother had ever put me through. They packed it with ice until my parents came to pick me up.
The next day (Saturday) we went to the family doctor. Emergency room were for emergencies like heart attacks and severed limbs. The doctor took x-rays and told Dad that my ankle bone was hanging together by a tiny piece, and he could give it a quick twist, break it completely, and set me in a cast. I hadn't been on this earth for long, but a doctor wanting to break your leg was unheard of (at least by me). I pleaded with Dad not to let him do it. Finally the doctor wrapped my ankle in an Ace bandage and told me that I would have to stay off of it for six weeks. He wanted me to spend the first week at home, and I would be on crutches at school for the next five. He would check me again after that.
Staying home for a week was cool. My teacher sent home the work that we would be doing in class, and left me her phone number in case I had any questions. Sir Gattabout had to do all of my chores (oh yeah), and Dad put a cement block under one end of the couch to keep my foot elevated. I stayed on the couch for a week, taking meals there and sleeping there also.
When I went back to school, the kids were amazed that I didn't have a cast. Some of them thought I was making the whole thing up. I had to sit and watch the others in gym. At lunch, my cousin carried my lunch for me to the table. Recess was the pits.
After six weeks we went back to the doctor. He took another set of x-rays and didn't like what he saw. He told Dad that the bone had knitted, but slightly askew. He said I may have trouble with it in the future.
I don't know if it was in my mind, or a result of the injury, but every time I put on a pair of roller skates after that, I got a terrible case of shin splints in my right leg. I didn't skate too much after that , and haven't had a pair of skates on my feet for close to 20 years. Sometimes I'm tempted to try a pair of Rollerblades, but after two knee surgeries (one on each knee), The voice of reason triumphs. I don't care to have another "Oops".
You can read of other people's "oops" at "My Tiny Kingdom's Flashback Friday carnival. How about you, did you ever have an "Oops"?
To my faithful Flashback Friday readers: I have recounted to you tales of "Aunt Shelly" & "Uncle Phil". Within two weeks of each other, they have passed from this life. Please keep their kids, grand kids, great grand children and the rest of the family in your thoughts and prayers.
Monday, March 23, 2009
When I picked him up, he was excited because he had chocolate yogurt waiting for him. I asked him if he had ever had the chocolate yogurt before, and he hadn't. "It taste kind of like chocolate mousse", I said. "Have you ever had mousse before?" I asked. He replied "No, I've never had moose before, but I've had elk."
He couldn't figure out why I was laughing so hard.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Greeting friends. This is WonderHusband sitting in behind the golden keyboard of "My World and Welcome To It".There have been several requests (at least one) to hear the stories behind "the shovel" references posted here and on my oldest daughter's blog. Without further ado, here they are:
It all began when I overheard a good friend of mine(you know who you are DM) talking about possibly having to plant his daughter's boyfriend in the backyard. I found that remark hilarious, and I placed it in my tiny little mind for future reference.It was used in passing with my oldest daughter's boyfriends, but when my youngest daughter started dating, it was used with a vengeance.
My youngest took a liking to a young man that was invited to church by a friend of hers. When he first came over to our house to make "the introductions" and to ask if he could date my daughter, he got more than he reckoned for. I have always believed that when a young man is dating a young woman, he must do two things: love her momma, and fear her daddy. My wife was cordial to him. I looked at him and said" I will tell you right now, I don't have a gun, so I can't shoot you, but, I do have a shovel, and I know how to use it. You're about six feet tall, if anything happens between you and my daughter, I will dig a hole about 5 1/2 feet deep and stand you in it. I will then turn loose the dogs. When they are finished, I will get out the lawnmower and finish the job. If you think I am kidding, you look into my eyes and tell me I kidding." The look I gave him would have frightened a grizzly bear
.That didn't frighten him off, but every time he came over to pick her up, I would ask him "Am I going to have to get the shovel out tonight?". He would reply"No sir.". This conversation was repeated more times than I can count. One day we moved to a different house, and he was helping us move. It was about five degrees outside and the ground was quite frozen. While carrying in some boxes, he commented "Looks like I won't have to worry about the shovel for awhile.". Without missing a beat, I turned, looked him straight in the eyes and growled "This house has a dirt basement.". His eyes got as wide as a redneck's belt buckle, and he shrieked "You never stop thinking about that, do you?". Looking him in the eyes, I said " Don't you EVER think that I stop thinking about it.".
While we lived in that house I devised several ways to torment him, but my wife wouldn't let me. I was going to dig a grave size hole in the basement(leaving the shovel in the mound of dirt, of course) and cause the circuit breaker to blow (this was done very easily). I was then going to give him a flashlight and ask him to go to the basement and flip the breaker. The howls that would have resounded from the basement would have been priceless. Then for April Fool's Day (which is also his birthday) I was going to stick the shovel in the driveway with a note attached that simply read " I found out. You're dead." "How can you do that to that sweet boy?" my wife would ask. I would tell her "He's got to know what he's getting into if they plan to marry. I don't want him telling her a month into their marriage"Your family is nuts.
"Well, they did make plans to wed, and on the wedding day, our pastor asked me what were the most vivid memories I had of the bride & groom. I told him of my daughter, I remember when I married her mother, she was three and her sister about 4 1/2. They walked my wife down the aisle, and when they got to the front, she let go of momma's hand and ran up and wrapped herself around my leg. Of the groom, I told him the shovel story. During the ceremony, he told the story of my daughter and added, that like then, she was leaving what was familiar to cling to a new man in her life. He then told the shovel story. None of his family had ever heard any part of it, and they about rolled out of the pews with laughter. The pastor then reached behind him into a curtain and brought out a brand new shovel and presented it to the bride & groom with the statement "It goes to show that you can stay pure in this world if you are motivated". The guests roared. It seems that after I told him the story, he slipped out and went to a nearby hardware store to buy the shovel he presented.
I still have "the shovel". I've used it many time for gardening and landscaping. I've never had to use it for "any other purpose", but I want you to look me in the eyes, and tell me that I won't.
Friday, March 20, 2009
This is him last month with my new grand daughter. Most of you have seen this picture before, but since it's my blog, I can rerun pictures if I want. BTW, that's not an Ipod on his shirt, it's his $12 "TV Ears" hearing aids.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I resisted getting a new phone because I KNEW HOW TO WORK THIS ONE! How many times do you see people get new phones, and fumble around with them because so much has changed. I see it a lot. Here is a picture of my new phone :
Lady Lemon says it is a cherry chocolate phone (I licked it, but it doesn't taste like cherry chocolate). I must admit, I am getting used to it pretty fast. Thank you Lady Lemon for the new phone. What can I say, I'm an old geezer who doesn't like change.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
On Friday, a co-worker brought a peanut butter pie to work (yum). She brought it in especially for another co-worker who had been bugging her for a long time to bring one in. Since it was his birthday, she figured she would surprise him. As it turns out, she was surprised because he had called in, and taken the day off. Knowing the pie wouldn't be good come Monday, she offered us all a piece. I sent this picture to my missing co-worker:
The caption said "Mmmmm, Peanut butter pie" He sent a text back that said "No fair, save me some" I texted him back "Too late, last piece is gone." Another co-worker sent him a picture of someone eating the last piece right out of the pan. I guess that's what happens when you play hooky.
Finally, While the wife and I were at Largest-Retailer-in-the World-Mart , I saw this offering:
It is a medicated powder called "Anti Monkey Butt Powder" (I am not making this up). I guess this answers the age old question of "What can you get for someone who has everything?"
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I have loved cartoons as long as I can remember. The nice thing now, having grandchildren, I can watch cartoons with them, and nobody thinks that I'm weird. Sometimes I watch them when there are no grand kids around.
I have a great dislike for most of today's cartoons. Most of them are just plain stupid. Now the cartoons of the late 60's & early 70's, there is some quality TV viewing.
In our house, on Saturday mornings the TV belonged to the kids. The nice thing was that Sir Gattabout and I liked the same shows. (for the most part). We loved the adventure cartoon like "Johnny Quest", "Space Ghost", and "The Herculoids". We even acted out episodes (I get to be Space Ghost this time, you were him last time.)"The Flintstones", "The Jetsons" & "Looney Tunes" were also favorites.
I am old enough to honestly say that I actually saw the first episodes some some iconic cartoons such as "Scooby Doo", "The Super Friends", "Grape Ape", "Smurfs" & "Hong Kong Phooey". I also watched some some that quickly went by the wayside such as "Sealab 2020", "The Hair Bear Bunch","Thundar the Barbarian" and "Tennessee Tuxedo".
In addition to cartoons, I liked the live action shows too. Who can forget "H.R. Puffenstuff" & "The Bananna Splits"? Some others that I watched that you probably forgot were "Lidsville", "Sigmund & the Sea Monsters", "Uncle Croc's Block" and "The Land of the Lost".
OK, Time for a pop quiz. Get out your pencil and paper and see how you do on this Saturday morning TV quiz. The answers are at the bottom, but no peeking!
1) What was the Jetsons' robot maid's name?
2) Which of these heroes didn't make a guest appearance on "The Super Friends"?
a) Apache Chief
b) Blue Falcon
c) Samurai Warrior
3) Who was Scooby Doo's cousin? (Hint, this was before the annoying Scrappy Doo.)
a) Scooby Dumb
b) Scooby Don't
c) Groovy Doo
4) What was the name of the golden flute in H. R. Pufferstuff?
5) What were the names of Thundar the Barbarian's companions?
a) Izzo the Mighty and Red Sonja
b) Ookla the Mock and Princess Ariel
c) Farfad and the Gray Mouser
6) Comedian Charles Nelson Riley starred in what two children's shows?
a) Uncle Croc's Block and Lidsville
b) H.R. Puffenstuff and Big John, Little John
C) Sigmund & the Sea Monsters and Land of the Lost
7) Hong Kong Phooey's alter ego did what job?
b) house painter
8) Who created Smurfette?
a) Papa Smurf
c) Handy Smurf
9) Who was the Blue Falcon's sidekick
b) Red Rover
10) What was the name of Johnny Quest's dog?
Answers: 1.-c, 2.-b, 3.-a, 4.-b, 5.-b, 6.-a, 7.-c, 8.-b, 9.-c, 10.-a
8-10 correct-Way to go. You either watched a lot of TV as a child, or are really into Cartoon Network.
5-7 correct- Not bad. You are perhaps a bit too sophisticated for cartoons.
0-4 correct- I'm sorry. You've missed out on some great shows. Check out Blockbuster to see if any of these are on DVD.
I came up with these questions from my memories. I did no googling or checking. If I am wrong on an answer, let me know.What was your favorite cartoon?
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I thought I was just being wacky (as did Lady Nottaguy-TYG) but I read an article in Monday's Columbus Dispatch that totally blew my crazy ice cream flavors away. Check this article out.
Some ice-cream flavors stranger than fiction
Monday, March 2, 2009 3:09 AM
By Ashley Hebb
For The Columbus Dispatch
I scream; you scream; we all scream for ice cream.
Each year, Americans consume more than 1.5 billion gallons of the cold confection -- with vanilla, chocolate and butter pecan topping most lists of favorites.
For your reading palate, we've rounded up some of the world's most unusual ice-cream concoctions. See whether you can guess which flavor in each pair is real and which is just a figment of our oh-so-hungry imaginations. Choose a. or b., then check your answers below.
1). a. starfish OR b. octopus
2). a. wasabi OR b. grass
3). a. ox tongue OR b. pig ears
4). a. Robitussin OR b. Viagra
5). a. pancakes and syrup OR b. chunky bacon
6). a. spaghetti OR b. fettuccine alfredo
7). a. cola OR b. cold beer
8). a. chicken OR b. egg
9). a. charcoal OR b. paper
10). a. broccoli OR b. salad
11). a. snake venom OR b. squid ink
12). a. barbecue sauce OR b. ketchup
13). a. sauerkraut OR b. Wiener schnitzel
14). a. sand OR b. cactus
15). a. onion OR b. pickle
1. b; 2. a; 3. a; 4. b; 5. b; 6. a; 7. b; 8. a; 9. a; 10. b; 11. b; 12. a; 13. a; 14. b; 15. a
Sources: International Dairy Foods Association and various Internet sites, including http://www.slashfood.com/.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Moral- Change isn't always good.